From the Beginning!

This blog was started as a personal journal. I have taken a brief hiatus from my computer lately. I have been catching up on my reading list, working on some sewing projects, re-training my kids, and really cracking down on the home schooling. While both mommy and daddy were in school many of "Our Normal" routines slowly drifted away. I am grateful that we had trained our children well enough to pick it up in many areas, they were a great help. It is because of them that both Chris and I were able to finish school. As I get ready to return to my blogging I realized that I had left my story unfinished, and not wanting to just pick up where I left off; I thought it better to go back to the beginning.

So here is my story of self-discovery: (excerpts of previous posts)

My story begins in August of 1999, OK so that is still a long time ago it is the best place to start. So it was in this August that I began a horrible walk through depression. I had always suspected that I was more of a melancholy person, but depressed was a bit of a shock. After all I had just had a baby this was just a period of baby blues, it had to be. I was wrong. I kept sinking deeper and deeper into myself and this dark dreary world that was quickly becoming my reality.

I had also begun the wonderful journey of anti-depressants, oh what fun that can be let me tell you. So for two months I tried an array of different medicines (I was still nursing my baby so this was difficult to find ones that were safe). Finally we found one that was helping, unfortunately, it did make me a bit sleepy, for a mom of three this was not a plus, but it was better than the alternative.

So now this brings us to October, and low and behold we received another piece of amazing information. I was pregnant. OH WOW! I was not expecting that at all. So after the home pregnancy test came out positive, I called the Doctor immediately. Of course he wanted to do a blood test to make sure it was not a false positive, so I went in right away. We found out later that afternoon that I was in fact pregnant.

Found out I was suffering from depression, finally found a medicine that was working, and Dr.verified I'M PREGNANT!! (Duh, I think I already knew that).

So now to make sure that the anti-depressant that I am taking is acceptable for pregnancy. So I went into see my mental health doctor, this was the worst day of my life thus far. She told me to abort the baby, because I was not mentally stable enough to have an other baby. Well that was encouraging. I left feeling more depressed than when I first met her, that was not a good feeling. Because I was so upset I immediately went to my family doctor to see what he thought. I was completely taken back when he gave me the same advice. I didn't know what to do. I cried the entire rest of the drive home. By the time I got home, my eyes were red and puffy, and my make-up was gone. Funny part of this is that my doctors office was less then 5 minutes away, seriously I could have walked home and probably should have.

When I told Chris what the doctors had advised he said what all wonderful husbands say, "This is your decision, I can't make it for you," I wanted to shoot him for saying that. I really needed him right then. I know he was trying to be supportive and there is no possible way that he could have answered me. I am sure I would have freaked out no matter what he said, but he was right, I alone had to make this decision. I laid down in my bed, curled up in a little ball and cried myself to sleep. I was awaken by the cry of a baby and burst into tears. It was time to feed Caesi, boy how I wished I wasn't nursing, I balled the entire I time I fed her. Through my tears I examined this tiny bundle of perfection I was holding in my arms I knew with out a doubt I could not abort the tiny bundle of perfection I was carrying inside me.

Of course this decision meant that the road I was walking down was not going to be an easy one...

Thank God, that Chris did not have to go to work the day that all of this happened. I was a wreck  and still had three children that needed to be taken care of. I informed my Dr.'s the next morning of my decision to keep the baby, to which they responded with very little support, if any. They wanted to change my medication to one that was better for pregnancy to which I agreed to. Of course I wanted to do whatever was best for my baby. However, all of this medication shuffling  can be really difficult. And after all the drama of shuffling, I had a reaction to the medication that was better for pregnancy and they ended up putting me back on the medication that I was on before they switched it.

I still feel guilty sometimes for even considering aborting my baby.  It is so hard to imagine my life without anyone of my six children.  I know that at the time I was definitely not in my right mind, and ultimately I did not succumb to the temptation of it.  God does not make mistakes.  Each one of us and each one of my children has a purpose.  And God has perfect timing, each on of my precious children had entered my life at a time when I needed to be pregnant...

365 Days of Self-Improvement

Well, I am back.  (I hope anyway, with the duties of being a wife and home schooling mother of 6).

It is time to start my long awaited journey to self-improvement. 

There is always something in our lives that can use a bit of improvement.  I am not doing this because I am unhappy with who I am, entirely.  Rather, it is because I came to the realization that there is always room for improvement.  This realization was brought to my attention thanks to my wonderful oldest daughter.  She is a typical 16 year old daughter.  In a family conversation after our evening family devotion she said, "I don't want to be like Mom!" in an eloquent teenage manner (anyone who was a teenage daughter, I am sure knows exactly the tone I am talking about).  Needless to say this particular time this statement was like a dagger to my heart.  It was not the first time that any of my kids had said this, but prior to this moment I always just ignored it. I mean really what teenage daughter doesn't feel that way about their mother (I know I did).  

I began to really look at how I felt about my mom.  While she did plenty of things that I disliked, she also did many things that I admired.   After the feelings of guilt I had from the way I felt about my own mother, I came to the realization that my own daughters don’t have to feel this way about me.  It is possible to by the type of mother that my daughters want to be like.

This became my hope and desire.  I decided that in order for me to make this possible I had to share my feelings with my husband.  After all no one knows me and our children better than he does.  He is the only person that could really help me do this.  I had already confessed to my God, this desire of my heart, now I just needed someone close to me to help hold me accountable and point out the behaviors that I needed to work on.  All I have to say is, Thank God that my husband loves me because I am not one to take criticism or correction well.

Now, all I had to do is decide when and where to start.  So I decided that Lent was a good time to start, since our family tradition is to pick a behavior/habit that we want to change or improve and add something positive we want to start.  Sounds like a good time to start this, right?  Next, what do I need to change or add to my character? 

Goal #1:  Live harmoniously with everyone I encounter.  For me this mostly meant not having to be right or even heard.  I needed to learn how to withhold my opinions and beliefs unless it was absolutely necessary.  However, this goal was liberating believe it or not.  It took me relying on God 100% (lots of time in His Word).

Goal #2: Let my actions, and my words be one and the same.  It seems as though lately I was really struggling with this particular issue.  This also required my reliance on God.

Praise God! I made it through the first 40 days of my mission, but the best part is that God honors obedience and I have made it an additional 21 days and counting.  So now I think it is time to add a new goal into the mix.  This new goal is to get back into good shape.  I want my self-improvement transformation to be a total person (mind, body, and soul) transformation. 

I am still a work in progress, but it is comforting to know that God is not finished with me yet.