I recently receive a letter from one of my uncles about my blog. When I started this blog it was going to be my online journal so to speak. I felt the tug of the Holy Spirit was prompting me to share my story not for sympathy but to encourage others.
For many years I have felt that the real purpose of the church has been lost. As I read the book of Acts and what the church was and did, I feel discouraged. The church took care of each other, they took care of the widows, the sick, and the poor. They gave of themselves freely and openly and without shame.
So what is the point of my blog? It is simply this...
The people (that is us) are the church. The church is the Bride of Christ. We are called by the Holy Spirit to be like the first church. So I share with you so that in times of need you all know that I will be here for you praying for you. There is no shame in your struggles, I believe that the shame is that we feel like we can't share them with our fellow believers. I hope that by reading what is in my heart and soul that you will be willing to take the risk and be vulnerable before God and your brothers and sisters in Christ.
2 Corinthians 12: 9 and 10, tells us:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
How wonderful it is to know that when we are weak, God is making us strong.
The Bible also tells us in Philippians 4: 6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ.
We have to present our requests specifically. I know that God already knows what we want but there is something about openly proclaiming it. He knows but He still wants to hear us ask him. Anyone who is a parent understands that. We know our kids want the cookie but we make them ask anyway. God wants us to come to him as a little child.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Ten Things I Bet You Never Knew About Me.
I have this amazing cousin who inspires me more than she well ever know even though I tell her all the time.
She recently blogged about getting to know people. I was so inclined to then share with you some things in the Deep Dark Vault of Myself. Some of the long kept secrets I am not proud of, but we all have those kinds of secrets I suppose.
This is not something that I do lightly. I have prayed about it for days. God has reminded me that "We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Rom 3:23
Also this is not a brag fest or a pity party it is just a piece of my heart that has been kept under lock and key and then thrown into the deepest part of the sea.
OK... So here goes nothing. These are in not particular order either
1. I carry a concealed weapon with me at all times. I know, I know. But my life and the lives of my loved ones are worth protecting.
2. I am a perfectionist to a flaw. I want everything perfect all the time. House, kids, generally my life. Thank you God for 6 kids who really have taught me to just let some things go because they are just not worth the heartache. Relationships are what is most important.
3. My bra and pantie combo almost always match each other, and they always match my outfit. You never know if or when you might pass out and the paramedics are called. How ghastly it would be to get caught not matching.
4. Out of the 50 cousins I have on both sides of my family, I have no cousin my age. They are all at least a year older or younger. Crazy I know.
5. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, wish I had blue eyes. I don't know why but for some reason I do.
6. I have tried to commit suicide more than once. I had to spend a week in a treatment center and a year of therapy.
7. I have been diagnosed with Serious Clinical Depression. Spent several years on mood stabilizing medications.
8. My marriage has survived depression, a motorcycle accident, addictions, and affairs.
9. I wake feeling like a failure as a woman, wife and mother pretty much everyday of my life.
10. I am a closet Goth. I always love the goth look but out of love and respect for my wonderful Nana won't dress that way when I am with family or anyone that knows my family.
OK so now you know some things about me that not even my own mother knows. I am sure that there are more but I can't think of any right now.
By the grace of God, I am no longer on medicine or suffering from the severe side effects of my illness, that I do deal with on a daily basis. But I have overcome many of the obstacles that it has put in my path. It is by constant faith and trust in God that my life, marriage and family have stood strong and made it through the many heartaches. I hope that my sharing these deep dark secrets inspires you to be more open and honest with the ones that you love. Vulnerability is a strength not a weakness.
Thanks for stopping by.
She recently blogged about getting to know people. I was so inclined to then share with you some things in the Deep Dark Vault of Myself. Some of the long kept secrets I am not proud of, but we all have those kinds of secrets I suppose.
This is not something that I do lightly. I have prayed about it for days. God has reminded me that "We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Rom 3:23
Also this is not a brag fest or a pity party it is just a piece of my heart that has been kept under lock and key and then thrown into the deepest part of the sea.
OK... So here goes nothing. These are in not particular order either
1. I carry a concealed weapon with me at all times. I know, I know. But my life and the lives of my loved ones are worth protecting.
2. I am a perfectionist to a flaw. I want everything perfect all the time. House, kids, generally my life. Thank you God for 6 kids who really have taught me to just let some things go because they are just not worth the heartache. Relationships are what is most important.
3. My bra and pantie combo almost always match each other, and they always match my outfit. You never know if or when you might pass out and the paramedics are called. How ghastly it would be to get caught not matching.
4. Out of the 50 cousins I have on both sides of my family, I have no cousin my age. They are all at least a year older or younger. Crazy I know.
5. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, wish I had blue eyes. I don't know why but for some reason I do.
6. I have tried to commit suicide more than once. I had to spend a week in a treatment center and a year of therapy.
7. I have been diagnosed with Serious Clinical Depression. Spent several years on mood stabilizing medications.
8. My marriage has survived depression, a motorcycle accident, addictions, and affairs.
9. I wake feeling like a failure as a woman, wife and mother pretty much everyday of my life.
10. I am a closet Goth. I always love the goth look but out of love and respect for my wonderful Nana won't dress that way when I am with family or anyone that knows my family.
OK so now you know some things about me that not even my own mother knows. I am sure that there are more but I can't think of any right now.
By the grace of God, I am no longer on medicine or suffering from the severe side effects of my illness, that I do deal with on a daily basis. But I have overcome many of the obstacles that it has put in my path. It is by constant faith and trust in God that my life, marriage and family have stood strong and made it through the many heartaches. I hope that my sharing these deep dark secrets inspires you to be more open and honest with the ones that you love. Vulnerability is a strength not a weakness.
Thanks for stopping by.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A Break From the Story
It seems as though this blog, which is really a journey into my soul, has turned out to be the place where I want to share anything and everything that it seems women today are so afraid to talk about.
Why is it that we (women) feel like we must deal with so much all alone? What has happened to the close knit communities of "Little House on the Prairie" years when women shared their troubles?
Or the "I Love Lucy" years, with women's clubs, bridge games, or mid-morning coffee when all the women still had curlers in their hair?
Oh, how I long for that kind of closeness. Why should we not share so that others can benefit from our experiences and not have to go through the pain or fear of those that have already gone through it.
So for today I will be taking a break from my story through depression and talk about something that is a little more pressing in my life right now.
My most recent trouble is one that is probably more common than any of us would care to admit. About three weeks ago I found a small lump in my breast. And as any good woman does, I didn't tell anyone but my husband, but I debated even telling him. I also shared the information with my two oldest daughters. I am constantly telling them to check their own breast if for no other reason but to just know what they feel like so that they will know when something is wrong. In fact every time I open my mouth about it with them I get the oh so wonderful teenage daughter sigh and eye roll along with the classic teenage daughter response, "I know Mom."
OK so back to the story. Over the next two weeks I didn't ignore it but I also didn't really deal with it. Of course I checked every day, three or ,four times a day, I don't know why it was like I was checking to make sure it was still there or something. Silly I know.
Well yesterday I finally went to the Dr. You know the one, they have the most comfortable paper shirts, I don't know why I don't just bring it home with me after I use it. I feel so bad for that Dr. the only plus to their job is that they get to see a lot of babies.
The appointment went well but of course they can't tell me anything until they do more test. So now the fun really begins. A mammogram and ultrasound hopefully that will offer more answers but for not it is a waiting game and a lots and lots of prayer. I sometimes catch myself praying for the lump to disappear just as suddenly as it appeared, but then I get back to reality and remember that He is in control and His will be done.
So I ask for you all to pray with me over this next month as I continue to go through test. Ask God to please give me strength and peace.
Anyway thanks for listening.
Why is it that we (women) feel like we must deal with so much all alone? What has happened to the close knit communities of "Little House on the Prairie" years when women shared their troubles?
Or the "I Love Lucy" years, with women's clubs, bridge games, or mid-morning coffee when all the women still had curlers in their hair?
Oh, how I long for that kind of closeness. Why should we not share so that others can benefit from our experiences and not have to go through the pain or fear of those that have already gone through it.
So for today I will be taking a break from my story through depression and talk about something that is a little more pressing in my life right now.
My most recent trouble is one that is probably more common than any of us would care to admit. About three weeks ago I found a small lump in my breast. And as any good woman does, I didn't tell anyone but my husband, but I debated even telling him. I also shared the information with my two oldest daughters. I am constantly telling them to check their own breast if for no other reason but to just know what they feel like so that they will know when something is wrong. In fact every time I open my mouth about it with them I get the oh so wonderful teenage daughter sigh and eye roll along with the classic teenage daughter response, "I know Mom."
OK so back to the story. Over the next two weeks I didn't ignore it but I also didn't really deal with it. Of course I checked every day, three or ,four times a day, I don't know why it was like I was checking to make sure it was still there or something. Silly I know.
Well yesterday I finally went to the Dr. You know the one, they have the most comfortable paper shirts, I don't know why I don't just bring it home with me after I use it. I feel so bad for that Dr. the only plus to their job is that they get to see a lot of babies.
The appointment went well but of course they can't tell me anything until they do more test. So now the fun really begins. A mammogram and ultrasound hopefully that will offer more answers but for not it is a waiting game and a lots and lots of prayer. I sometimes catch myself praying for the lump to disappear just as suddenly as it appeared, but then I get back to reality and remember that He is in control and His will be done.
So I ask for you all to pray with me over this next month as I continue to go through test. Ask God to please give me strength and peace.
Anyway thanks for listening.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Story Continues (part 1)
So where were we in this wonderful story.
Found out I was suffering from depression, finally found a medicine that was working, and found out I'M PREGNANT!!
OK, so don't fall over the story is just getting good.
So after the home pregnancy test came out positive, I called the Doctor immediately. Of course he wanted to do a blood test to make sure it was not a false positive, so I went in right away. We found out later that afternoon that I was in fact pregnant.
Duh, I think I already knew that.
So now to make sure that the anti-depressant that I am taking is acceptable for pregnancy. So I went into see my mental health doctor, this was the worst day of my life thus far. She told me to abort the baby because I was not mentally stable enough to have an other baby. Well that was encouraging, I left feeling more depressed than when I first met her, that was not a good feeling. Because I was so upset I immediately went to my family doctor to see what he thought. I was completely taken back when he gave me the same advice. I didn't know what to do. I cried the entire rest of the drive home.
By the time I got home, my eyes were red and puffy, and my make-up was gone. Funny part of this is that my doctors office was less then 5 minutes away, seriously I could have walked home and probably should have. When I told Chris what the doctors had advised he said what all wonderful husbands say, "This is your decision I can't make it for you," I could have killed him for saying that. I really needed him, I know he was trying to be supportive and there is no possible way that you could have answered me. I am sure I would have freaked out no matter what he said, but he was right, I alone had to make this decision. I laid down in my bed, curled up in a little ball and cried myself to sleep. I was awaken by the cry of a baby and burst into tears. It was time to feed Caesi, boy how I wished I wasn't nursing, I balled the entire I time I fed her. Through my tears I examined this tiny bundle of perfection I was holding in my arms I knew with out a doubt I could not abort the tiny bundle of perfection I was carrying inside me.
Of course this decision meant that the road I was waling down was not going to be an easy one...
Found out I was suffering from depression, finally found a medicine that was working, and found out I'M PREGNANT!!
OK, so don't fall over the story is just getting good.
So after the home pregnancy test came out positive, I called the Doctor immediately. Of course he wanted to do a blood test to make sure it was not a false positive, so I went in right away. We found out later that afternoon that I was in fact pregnant.
Duh, I think I already knew that.
So now to make sure that the anti-depressant that I am taking is acceptable for pregnancy. So I went into see my mental health doctor, this was the worst day of my life thus far. She told me to abort the baby because I was not mentally stable enough to have an other baby. Well that was encouraging, I left feeling more depressed than when I first met her, that was not a good feeling. Because I was so upset I immediately went to my family doctor to see what he thought. I was completely taken back when he gave me the same advice. I didn't know what to do. I cried the entire rest of the drive home.
By the time I got home, my eyes were red and puffy, and my make-up was gone. Funny part of this is that my doctors office was less then 5 minutes away, seriously I could have walked home and probably should have. When I told Chris what the doctors had advised he said what all wonderful husbands say, "This is your decision I can't make it for you," I could have killed him for saying that. I really needed him, I know he was trying to be supportive and there is no possible way that you could have answered me. I am sure I would have freaked out no matter what he said, but he was right, I alone had to make this decision. I laid down in my bed, curled up in a little ball and cried myself to sleep. I was awaken by the cry of a baby and burst into tears. It was time to feed Caesi, boy how I wished I wasn't nursing, I balled the entire I time I fed her. Through my tears I examined this tiny bundle of perfection I was holding in my arms I knew with out a doubt I could not abort the tiny bundle of perfection I was carrying inside me.
Of course this decision meant that the road I was waling down was not going to be an easy one...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Story Begins
A very dear and wonderful friend told me that I have to start taking 20 minutes a day for myself. It seems that with all that I have been taking care of lately I forgot to take care of one thing, ME!
So I have decided that I am going to take 20 minutes a day to write. I have two blogs and a journal so I will be taking turns between them.
And the WINNER today is Me. This blog is all about me. Although somehow I am sure my kids and husband will wonder around in here, this is pretty much my personal journal to myself, for everyone else to read. Did that make any sense?
So where do I start this wonderful journey into myself?
One beautiful November day 33 yeas ago? Hmmm... that is a lot of writing to do in just twenty minutes a day two times a week.
One pleasant January day 15 years ago? OK that is a little bit better but still a lot of writing to do in twenty minutes a day.
OK so lets start in the middle (Maria Von Trap don't hurt me, Please!)
My story begins in August of 1999, OK so that is still a long time ago it is the best place to start. So it was in this August that I began a horrible walk through depression. I had always suspected that I was more of a melancholy person, but depressed was a bit of a shock. After all I had just had a baby this was just a period of baby blues, it had to be. I was wrong. I kept sinking deeper and deeper into myself and this dark dreary world that was quickly becoming my reality.
I had also begun the wonderful journey of anti-depresants, oh what fun that can be let me tell you. So for two months I tried an array of different medicines (I was still nursing my baby so this was difficult to find ones that were safe). Finally we found one that was helping unfortunately it did make me a bit sleepy, for a mom of three this was not a plus, but it was better than the alternative.
So now this brings us to October, and low and behold we received another piece of amazing information. I was pregnant. OH WOW! I was not expecting that at all.
So as you can see the story is just getting good. Since there is not a good spot to stop this story this is a good as any. Until Friday then.
So I have decided that I am going to take 20 minutes a day to write. I have two blogs and a journal so I will be taking turns between them.
And the WINNER today is Me. This blog is all about me. Although somehow I am sure my kids and husband will wonder around in here, this is pretty much my personal journal to myself, for everyone else to read. Did that make any sense?
So where do I start this wonderful journey into myself?
One beautiful November day 33 yeas ago? Hmmm... that is a lot of writing to do in just twenty minutes a day two times a week.
One pleasant January day 15 years ago? OK that is a little bit better but still a lot of writing to do in twenty minutes a day.
OK so lets start in the middle (Maria Von Trap don't hurt me, Please!)
My story begins in August of 1999, OK so that is still a long time ago it is the best place to start. So it was in this August that I began a horrible walk through depression. I had always suspected that I was more of a melancholy person, but depressed was a bit of a shock. After all I had just had a baby this was just a period of baby blues, it had to be. I was wrong. I kept sinking deeper and deeper into myself and this dark dreary world that was quickly becoming my reality.
I had also begun the wonderful journey of anti-depresants, oh what fun that can be let me tell you. So for two months I tried an array of different medicines (I was still nursing my baby so this was difficult to find ones that were safe). Finally we found one that was helping unfortunately it did make me a bit sleepy, for a mom of three this was not a plus, but it was better than the alternative.
So now this brings us to October, and low and behold we received another piece of amazing information. I was pregnant. OH WOW! I was not expecting that at all.
So as you can see the story is just getting good. Since there is not a good spot to stop this story this is a good as any. Until Friday then.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Purple - Red = ?
Alright so it has become very apparent to me that I need to find some type of outlet. I find myself hitting these walls and life seems to lack joy. I should make it a habit to sing, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart; down in my heart; down in my heart. I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart; down in my heart to stay.” (And the world sighs a collective sigh of relief that they didn’t actually have to hear me sing).
The fact that I am feeling this way seems a tad ironic to me considering the title of my blog.
"How does one take control of their Attitude?"
I pray and I know that I don’t spend nearly as much time in God’s word as I should, which bothers me. I need to spend more time in the presence of my Father.
So what does one do when they are not feeling Purple but blue instead? That is the question of the day.
I often struggle with this because my attitude directly affects the attitudes of seven other people and the effects of that make me even crazier.
So I must concede. As I sit here and ask God, “Daddy, what is it you are trying to teach me?” He replies ever so subtly as he often does, “My Child, I am the potter and you are the clay.” Ok so it is an answer what it means is still somewhat unclear, but I am sure it will be revealed to me at the appropriate time. Obviously I am not finished yet, I hope He didn't just smash me all back together to start over, although, that might be easier. I am also very scared. Am I going to come out looking like the soap dish I made my mom when I was in the first grade? Thankfully even if I did I am sure my Father would consider it a priceless work of art; as did my mom her soap dish.
Isn’t so funny how our Heavenly Father always knows exactly what we need right when we need it. Lately my one and only true desire is to become the wife, mother, woman that He wants me to be, and look at his response to my outcry of despair.
So what is a woman to do?
Allow herself to be molded? Fight the process? Try to help The Big Guy along(resulting in the soap dish)?
Hmmmm…..Why is it always the hardest one?
Thanks for listening
The fact that I am feeling this way seems a tad ironic to me considering the title of my blog.
"How does one take control of their Attitude?"
I pray and I know that I don’t spend nearly as much time in God’s word as I should, which bothers me. I need to spend more time in the presence of my Father.
So what does one do when they are not feeling Purple but blue instead? That is the question of the day.
I often struggle with this because my attitude directly affects the attitudes of seven other people and the effects of that make me even crazier.
So I must concede. As I sit here and ask God, “Daddy, what is it you are trying to teach me?” He replies ever so subtly as he often does, “My Child, I am the potter and you are the clay.” Ok so it is an answer what it means is still somewhat unclear, but I am sure it will be revealed to me at the appropriate time. Obviously I am not finished yet, I hope He didn't just smash me all back together to start over, although, that might be easier. I am also very scared. Am I going to come out looking like the soap dish I made my mom when I was in the first grade? Thankfully even if I did I am sure my Father would consider it a priceless work of art; as did my mom her soap dish.
Isn’t so funny how our Heavenly Father always knows exactly what we need right when we need it. Lately my one and only true desire is to become the wife, mother, woman that He wants me to be, and look at his response to my outcry of despair.
So what is a woman to do?
Allow herself to be molded? Fight the process? Try to help The Big Guy along(resulting in the soap dish)?
Hmmmm…..Why is it always the hardest one?
Thanks for listening
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