The Story Continues (part 1)

So where were we in this wonderful story.

Found out I was suffering from depression, finally found a medicine that was working, and found out I'M PREGNANT!!

OK, so don't fall over the story is just getting good.

So after the home pregnancy test came out positive, I called the Doctor immediately. Of course he wanted to do a blood test to make sure it was not a false positive, so I went in right away. We found out later that afternoon that I was in fact pregnant.

Duh, I think I already knew that.

So now to make sure that the anti-depressant that I am taking is acceptable for pregnancy. So I went into see my mental health doctor, this was the worst day of my life thus far. She told me to abort the baby because I was not mentally stable enough to have an other baby. Well that was encouraging, I left feeling more depressed than when I first met her, that was not a good feeling. Because I was so upset I immediately went to my family doctor to see what he thought. I was completely taken back when he gave me the same advice. I didn't know what to do. I cried the entire rest of the drive home.

By the time I got home, my eyes were red and puffy, and my make-up was gone. Funny part of this is that my doctors office was less then 5 minutes away, seriously I could have walked home and probably should have. When I told Chris what the doctors had advised he said what all wonderful husbands say, "This is your decision I can't make it for you," I could have killed him for saying that. I really needed him, I know he was trying to be supportive and there is no possible way that you could have answered me. I am sure I would have freaked out no matter what he said, but he was right, I alone had to make this decision. I laid down in my bed, curled up in a little ball and cried myself to sleep. I was awaken by the cry of a baby and burst into tears. It was time to feed Caesi, boy how I wished I wasn't nursing, I balled the entire I time I fed her. Through my tears I examined this tiny bundle of perfection I was holding in my arms I knew with out a doubt I could not abort the tiny bundle of perfection I was carrying inside me.

Of course this decision meant that the road I was waling down was not going to be an easy one...

The Story Begins

A very dear and wonderful friend told me that I have to start taking 20 minutes a day for myself. It seems that with all that I have been taking care of lately I forgot to take care of one thing, ME!

So I have decided that I am going to take 20 minutes a day to write. I have two blogs and a journal so I will be taking turns between them.

And the WINNER today is Me. This blog is all about me. Although somehow I am sure my kids and husband will wonder around in here, this is pretty much my personal journal to myself, for everyone else to read. Did that make any sense?

So where do I start this wonderful journey into myself?

One beautiful November day 33 yeas ago? Hmmm... that is a lot of writing to do in just twenty minutes a day two times a week.

One pleasant January day 15 years ago? OK that is a little bit better but still a lot of writing to do in twenty minutes a day.

OK so lets start in the middle (Maria Von Trap don't hurt me, Please!)

My story begins in August of 1999, OK so that is still a long time ago it is the best place to start. So it was in this August that I began a horrible walk through depression. I had always suspected that I was more of a melancholy person, but depressed was a bit of a shock. After all I had just had a baby this was just a period of baby blues, it had to be. I was wrong. I kept sinking deeper and deeper into myself and this dark dreary world that was quickly becoming my reality.

I had also begun the wonderful journey of anti-depresants, oh what fun that can be let me tell you. So for two months I tried an array of different medicines (I was still nursing my baby so this was difficult to find ones that were safe). Finally we found one that was helping unfortunately it did make me a bit sleepy, for a mom of three this was not a plus, but it was better than the alternative.

So now this brings us to October, and low and behold we received another piece of amazing information. I was pregnant. OH WOW! I was not expecting that at all.

So as you can see the story is just getting good. Since there is not a good spot to stop this story this is a good as any. Until Friday then.

Purple - Red = ?

Alright so it has become very apparent to me that I need to find some type of outlet. I find myself hitting these walls and life seems to lack joy. I should make it a habit to sing, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart; down in my heart; down in my heart. I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart; down in my heart to stay.” (And the world sighs a collective sigh of relief that they didn’t actually have to hear me sing).

The fact that I am feeling this way seems a tad ironic to me considering the title of my blog.

"How does one take control of their Attitude?"

I pray and I know that I don’t spend nearly as much time in God’s word as I should, which bothers me. I need to spend more time in the presence of my Father.

So what does one do when they are not feeling Purple but blue instead? That is the question of the day.

I often struggle with this because my attitude directly affects the attitudes of seven other people and the effects of that make me even crazier.

So I must concede. As I sit here and ask God, “Daddy, what is it you are trying to teach me?” He replies ever so subtly as he often does, “My Child, I am the potter and you are the clay.” Ok so it is an answer what it means is still somewhat unclear, but I am sure it will be revealed to me at the appropriate time. Obviously I am not finished yet, I hope He didn't just smash me all back together to start over, although, that might be easier. I am also very scared. Am I going to come out looking like the soap dish I made my mom when I was in the first grade? Thankfully even if I did I am sure my Father would consider it a priceless work of art; as did my mom her soap dish.

Isn’t so funny how our Heavenly Father always knows exactly what we need right when we need it. Lately my one and only true desire is to become the wife, mother, woman that He wants me to be, and look at his response to my outcry of despair.

So what is a woman to do?

Allow herself to be molded? Fight the process? Try to help The Big Guy along(resulting in the soap dish)?

Hmmmm…..Why is it always the hardest one?

Thanks for listening